Thursday, October 15, 2015

Thursday- Thankful Thursday

Thursday- thankful Thursday
This is my tradition and this is what I am today- Thankful.

It has been a tough week for my big girl to start her final high school leaving exams (HSC) as My baby girl had her LP and has had quite significant complications (she developed a blood clot on her spine & couldn't walk & was in extreme pain requiring almost a week of opiate analgesia)  

My mummy heart went from worry to terror in a few hours and now I am taking time to breathe -& be thankful.

My mind ran away with me last night and it took me to the scary parts of my mummy brain that looks forward and worries- you know that part of the mummy brain that goes "what if" and oh my could I think of some ultimately terrifying "what ifs"!  But then I actively had to take those thoughts and STOP!- stop the runaway train of fear and bring it back to now- right now! ... and I struggled so hard to know how to do that- I looked about and started at the simple- the thankful.

It hurt.

It Hurt because each "thank you" also had a "please", It was like the waves on the beach and so I paddled on. Allowing the waves of please and thanks to wash on and soon I was able to lay down  a small bit of the burden that has been busy on my brain since the surgery and the fear began.

Ultimately it was good -out of my sad, scary and dark reality came something good- & for that I am thankful.

I have another please and thank you to add to Thursday- thank you for visiting here today & please feel free to comment or message me if you are struggling and need a buddy if you are doing it tough- we can paddle together xx

Monday, October 5, 2015

The journey continues- one tiny step at a time

My lil girl is now 8, she survived encephalitis at 3 yo and since has really struggled.
Despite many beautiful patient wonderful people who have come to help her over these last few years in the last year she lost so many milestones.

Recently she has gone back in an alarming rate and the Drs have scheduled her for an emergency MRI/EEG &bloods this coming Thursday 

My mumma heart is aching, the drs suspect something autoimmune ( her own body attacking her) & will do tests that the Drs need to find it. It could also be infection - the encephalitis holding on and  if infection is hiding and continuing to damage her lil brain then also the Drs need a different plan. 

Over the last year my sweet child has been hurting and slipping away. I am sad and scared. I need your prayers, my lil girl needs your prayers. 

There IS a bigger plan than what my eyes and circumstances see.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Hanging on!

After reading a lovely post over at  Just 18 Summers called "going green"  & the beauty of house plants.

Since "E" came to visit our home anything that is not bulletproof has steadily slipped away- we used to have African violets but their leaves are irresistibly wonderfully soft and delicate and they really don't do well having their leaves rubbed by the handful on your face & chin...... needless to say they are a memory that I hadn't really noticed was now missing from our home.

I have to confess my only "houseplant" that I have is a TINY piece of bamboo on my kitchen windowsill in a small glass with a few rocks in the bottom & water that has been there for a year & is still under 3″ tall! 
It came to our home from a trip to bunnings where it snapped off and lil miss amongst tears & noise just couldnt “leave it there to die” imagine the scene with all the drama and emphasis added, you know the one that motivates a mumma to grab that lil tip of plant, ask the garden lady if we can have it & then leave! 

This is our house plant, it has been there in a permanent state of shock but is still hanging on- lol I guess that about describes my year too!!

What will move this lil green waif from shock to growth and to thriving? 
1) meet the basics first- water, food and shelter (or safety from lil fingers!!)
2) access to Light (for my bamboo it is filter through the cobwebs & splotches of my non- immaculate kitchen windowsill- be kind and overlook that!!)
3) love and nurture (not being left on the floor to be swept away as rubbish in the hardware store)

These are pretty much items of my all purpose survival list! 
Meet the basics- mumma needs coffee +/- food at the beginning of everyday, if its 2pm and I haven't had anything I have not meet the basics and can't expect to flourish- ye I will get by, experience says so but I have not set myself up to thrive 
Access the Light- Read -Pray -Nourish in The Word everyday. I know my desperate need for fellowship with the Father in my day and my life and everything is better when I spend my time with The Lord yet still this is the first thing I allow to be stolen when life gets out of control- then life really is out of control. I think Paul's verse of "the things I know I should do I don't do ".... comes to mind....
3) love & nurture- from the deep parts of my heart, not super mum style with display home & chore- perfectionist medals pinned to my chest but out the overflow of my soul- you know the snuggle on the lounge and read golden books or under a blanket fort in the middle of the lounge room with Lego & princess jewelry! 
I'm not saying that things don't need added to this list  on "non survival mode" days but it is a BASE list- a place to start and survive from. Add things yes, but do not take away these basics and soon flourishing will come ... now let's put the kettle on!

Bless you today :)

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Permission for the Lady in the mirror

In a recent email a Mum asked for actual strategies as she feels she does 90% of the chores in the house and the school concerns & her DH is doing less.

Do you struggle with this???

Reading through an email from another struggling mum with small kiddies  I realised the words I replied were much more for me than her. God gave me words then gently said now go stand in front of the mirror there is a mumma who needs to hear this in there!

I'm giving myself permission to

1. Accept help &  imperfection- even a 3yo can make their bed- don't straighten it after them either- as a friend once said, someday you will miss those crinkles,

2: don't iron (except business shirts!)  not EVERYTHING has to be perfect- 50% of our to do list is minor & realistically not essential

3: ask specifically for the help you want / need- get a cleaner, ask girlfriends, pay a trusted teen, better still ask hubby: ( be real specific !!)  "please make 5 vegemite sandwiches & 5 drink bottles" again don't sweat the small minor but annoying stuff- who cares if its not cut or wrapped perfect- the lunches are made and the jobs off your list!! ... & remember a thank u.....   (Yep I know I don't get a thank you for making lunches ...ever.... but hey you would thank the neighbour for throwing together a sambo, snack & a bottle for your kids if you were running late- so extend your hubby the same & throw a thank you out to him- they are free but worth a lot!!)

4: life, marriage & family is about relationship- love your hubby & your kids- let go of the chores balance act- you do more, a wife & mumma always will- we are wired that way. Don't let yourself get into resentment about it - stop doing non essentials, so that you can have time to enjoy the husband & kids you are working so hard for & don't let "you" get stolen by doing- in 20 years they won't remember chores as much as they will remember laughter & time with mumma. Give yourself permission to ease up & not be super mum- we all need to give ourself this- me too!!

Also Grab a copy of "Five love languages"- chances are you feel loved by works/acts of service : guaranteed your hubby has a completely different "language" he isn't being lazy or hateful or manipulating he just gives & receives love completely differently & probably is completely clueless as to why it bothers you so!!! 

Fight for your marriage, you need it, your kiddos need it, don't be tricked into throwing it away over vacuuming and packing lunches.

I hope when you & I look in the mirror you will tell the Lady you see in there to be kind to herself. 

Blessings xx

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Right here

I can't write for tears. 

The criticism, fears & struggles have sapped my belief in any hope I had of being a good enough wife, mum, anything. 

The list of "to-do" is insurmountable when even the most mundane task takes the skill of a hostage negotiator & renders every judging eye piercing you. 

Am I "good enough?" 

Will everyone laugh out loud when all those plates I'm spinning come crashing down into a million pieces breaking my heart, my family & tearing my soul with them?

Then the whispered promise "I've got you"

1But now, O Jacob, listen to the LORD who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
2When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
3For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
                                                             Isaiah 43 (NLT)

Do I hear that voice- Do I listen and believe the words are for me?

Do you?

I want to grab hold so tight to the One who whispered these precious words to me tonight & next time when that ache comes - you know the one that dwells deep in a failing mumma's heart which jumps up and condemns her when she is struggling & exhausted - I want to replace the fear with My Saviour:

- I'm called by name, 
- I am His, 
- I will NOT be consumed , 
- I will NOT drown. 

Thank you Jesus for loving me, right where I am.

Sunday, February 3, 2013


Tomorrow is a milestone for our family.
Tonight, I tucked my lil Miss C into her bed for the last time as a preschooler- tomorrow my baby goes to school to start kinder!
It has almost been three years since encephalitis came to our home & forever changed my world. Lessons have been learned, strength has been found & tears, many tears have been shed.
Tomorrow marks a day that I did not think possible 3 years ago, I thought unlikely 2 years ago & I thought would be a nightmare 1 year ago.
We have all changed and grown. Miss C has learned the big things- to walk & talk again, the little things are sometimes tough- her wee mind is busy and sometimes very disorganised- words like post encephalitis ADHD & Autism jump about on pages of Drs reports.
Words, tags, labels that describe but don't define.
My baby girl could better be described as unique, delightful, energetic, honest (a little much so somedays.... ;)  happy & blessed.
I couldn't see this day as a reality, I could only see what my eyes saw & feel lost, hopeless & worried.   The Father saw differently.
He sees all our tomorrows- He has a great plan & abundant provision & grace.
Mumma might need some tissues, He knows that too!
I'd better put the kettle on early!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sorry for the silence

I haven't disappeared from blogdom- life has become a huge appointment shedule- with our beautiful girl back & forward into hospital & having anesthetics, tests, MRI's, lumbar punctures, seizures & general hardships from this awful encephalitis.

We have had celebrations that have bought joy too: we have all had birthdays- lil C turned FOUR in march!! (yay & we celebrated at home- her 2nd birthday ever that she actually was not in a hospital for!!) our other sweet DD turned 14 & Dh & I also had birthdays in April- so we have over indulged in cake & worked a few long overdue smiles & lighthearted fun in too!

Another milestone was DH & I celebrated 18 years of marriage last week, I have been really challenged to look at my family relationships as special- to celebrate the everyday & not underestimate the value of the ordinary.

Life is tough, it hurts, it is time to bring happiness & laughter to our home -on purpose! -especially when inside I want to weep.
I'm finding it too easy to say "I cant face it- I
hurt- I won't bother" but the "thief comes to steal, kill & destroy" (Jn 10:10)

In fact, I'm letting go of an important part of Gods plan for my life in surrendering my joy- because Jesus said "He came that we may ENJOY life" & So I am choosing to LOOK for opportunities to find joy even if my heart is breaking.
Spending time quietly before the Lord I realise that I struggle with fear & trust- that not having all the answers To my lil girls illness is such a barrier that puts me into cycles of reasoning, planning , manipulating (trying to get Drs/specialists to see us & help her & to get the clinic that she needs close by with the right therapist takes every organizational, sweet talking skill I have & then some - medical practices have a " way" all of their own & when you are desperate they are VERY frustrating.! But when I stop I'm exhausted & I am saddened by how much I do in my own steam- my fear takes away my faith. I am so small & I I don't see as the Father sees & so Most of my worries that I lay at His feet I grab back again & instead of trusting -I worry.

I wrote out a statement that I have made up to remind me- my motto if you will- from that time facing my fears with the Father:

"if we could see as God sees:
our worries would turn to trust
& our fears would turn to dust"
I forget this quickly & worry again, but I am going to keep reminding myself & turn those fears to dust!!
Hugs all xx
In His Grace,